Stuff I Am Guilty Of

So I was recently introduced, by my friend Sean, to the blog "Stuff White People Like" - the blog "devoted to stuff that white people like." Ayup. Though the name makes one raise an eyebrow, it's actually funny and often well-observed social commentary, and if you're white, and ever for a moment thought that you WEREN'T a ridiculous, pseudo-intellectual prat, I encourage you to go read for a bit, and be humbled.

Anyhow, as Sean and I were laughing over the blog, he suggested that an amusing - if self-deprecating - hour or two could be passed by listing all of the entries that apply to oneself. Always eager to knock myself down a few levels, I gave it a go, and below I present the highlights.

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Stuff Brittney Likes

#84 - T-Shirts

The most prized t-shirt category is vintage.... The ideal shirt will have a funny logo, a year attached to it, and will be as thin as rice paper. In the event that two white people have shirts that meet this criteria, the superior ranking is given to the person who paid the least for the shirt.

#26 - Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!)

If you are in group setting and the topic of New York City comes up, find the highest ranking white person and say 'oh, are you from New York?' To them, this means you are calling them cultured, cool, and urban. They will respond with something like 'oh, well, I’ve spent a lot of time there,' or 'I lived there for three years.' You will have instantly become more popular than all other people in the group.

#19 - Traveling

Upon returning home, they will... find an affinity for a particular beer or liquor from a country they visited. They use this as an excuse to mention their travels when at a bar. “Oh, I’ll have a Czechznlishiyush Pilsner. You see, that was my favorite beer when I was travelling through Slovenia and the Czech republic.”

#64 - Recycling

If you are in a situation where a white person produces an empty bottle, watch their actions. They will first say “where’s the recycling?” If you say “we don’t recycle,” prepare for some awkwardness. They will make a move to throw the bottle away, they will hesitate, and then ultimately throw the bottle away. But after they return look in their eyes. All they can see is the bottle lasting forever in a landfill, trapping small animals. It will eat at them for days, at this point you should say “I’m just kidding, the recycling is under the sink. Can you fish out that bottle?” And they will do it 100% of the time!

#15 - Yoga

It gives white people the chance to showcase their $80 pants.

#75 - Threatening to Move to Canada

Though they will never actually move to Canada, the act of declaring that they are willing to undertake the journey is very symbolic in white culture. It shows that their dedication to their lifestyle and beliefs are so strong, that they would consider packing up their entire lives and moving to a country that is only slightly different to the one they live in now.

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So there you have it, the highlights of my whitey Hall of Shame. Before you go, though, I would like to add that it is not just me; I have come to the conclusion while reading this blog that, omg, Seattle is the whitest city in the ENTIRE WORLD. So it's clearly not my fault. March 20, 2008 10:31 AM | TrackBack